African peculiarities: Ma-Uncle
We all have those strange uncles, the kind that laugh with the ‘khkhkhkh’ sound after every unfunny sentence. We have the ones who we cannot tell a joke at close range, for they have a habit of reinforcing their laughter with a tough smack on your back. Some ask you to repeat your joke, their mouth hanging open, waiting for the sting to land, and they laugh again, rewarding your humour with an undeserved slap.
We have those rake uncles, the kind that slash half the tray of ugali in one flow, and the younger ones are left weeping, the one with greyish vests, eat githeri like they chewing sugarcane, the kind that know busaa dens that you never knew, and they are just new to the community. We also have those uncles that will take you out, buy you ginger nuts and ball gum. You look at them, your eyes in tears and you’re like, uncle, I’m 24.
We also have that uncle who would want to say hey to everyone, and once they do, they try to find out how they are related. Your Maasai neighbour finds himself related to Wepukhulu through the lineage of Manasseh and Pharaoh. It is fun, they say, that knowing a new man makes your life more pleasant on earth, but you know better. You are aware that knowing one is inviting a new load of problems into your life. With the world full of intellectual perverts and high unemployment rate, some people will make it their jobs to analyze your life and make reports, with the aid of diagrams and illustrations.
We have uncles who ask you when you are planning on getting married, pester you about it and you tell them to wait at least until you’ve sat your mock exams.
There is that uncle that sees you as a messiah, the best example of how his sons should be. He complains about them drinking and gambling, dreaming of quitting schools to own bodabodas, and he asks you to go and advise them on how to be constructive citizens, like you. Deep in your mind you know that you’ll be graduating soon, and tarmacking is real. You shelve your plans of telling your uncle that you were hoping to get a bodaboda for self employment purposes too, and you also know what your mother says about your laziness, and how she tells you that if you continue in that trend, you’ll be like watoto wa nani* (uncle’s name withheld)
The last category is that uncle that you’ve never met, and you are not related by blood, but through your girlfriend. She goes to visit him over the weekends while you slave with your assignments, like any dear future husband would. He is an uncle, alright, an uncle you’ll never get to meet, not unless in the newspapers or until she comes home crying, and you console her while cursing the evil uncle who hurts your girlfriend, and the next weekend she’s off again. Compared to all other uncles, you like this invisible one because he is very benevolent and makes life worthy for the two of you.
We all have those strange uncles, the kind that laugh with the ‘khkhkhkh’ sound after every unfunny sentence. We have the ones who we cannot tell a joke at close range, for they have a habit of reinforcing their laughter with a tough smack on your back. Some ask you to repeat your joke, their mouth hanging open, waiting for the sting to land, and they laugh again, rewarding your humour with an undeserved slap.
We have those rake uncles, the kind that slash half the tray of ugali in one flow, and the younger ones are left weeping, the one with greyish vests, eat githeri like they chewing sugarcane, the kind that know busaa dens that you never knew, and they are just new to the community. We also have those uncles that will take you out, buy you ginger nuts and ball gum. You look at them, your eyes in tears and you’re like, uncle, I’m 24.
We also have that uncle who would want to say hey to everyone, and once they do, they try to find out how they are related. Your Maasai neighbour finds himself related to Wepukhulu through the lineage of Manasseh and Pharaoh. It is fun, they say, that knowing a new man makes your life more pleasant on earth, but you know better. You are aware that knowing one is inviting a new load of problems into your life. With the world full of intellectual perverts and high unemployment rate, some people will make it their jobs to analyze your life and make reports, with the aid of diagrams and illustrations.
We have uncles who ask you when you are planning on getting married, pester you about it and you tell them to wait at least until you’ve sat your mock exams.
There is that uncle that sees you as a messiah, the best example of how his sons should be. He complains about them drinking and gambling, dreaming of quitting schools to own bodabodas, and he asks you to go and advise them on how to be constructive citizens, like you. Deep in your mind you know that you’ll be graduating soon, and tarmacking is real. You shelve your plans of telling your uncle that you were hoping to get a bodaboda for self employment purposes too, and you also know what your mother says about your laziness, and how she tells you that if you continue in that trend, you’ll be like watoto wa nani* (uncle’s name withheld)
The last category is that uncle that you’ve never met, and you are not related by blood, but through your girlfriend. She goes to visit him over the weekends while you slave with your assignments, like any dear future husband would. He is an uncle, alright, an uncle you’ll never get to meet, not unless in the newspapers or until she comes home crying, and you console her while cursing the evil uncle who hurts your girlfriend, and the next weekend she’s off again. Compared to all other uncles, you like this invisible one because he is very benevolent and makes life worthy for the two of you.
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